The Lost God
by Miss. Poppy May
Summary: Jason is confused, Piper's caught in the middle of a family secret and Leo's just along for the ride. A parody/rewrite of The Lost Hero.


Even before he got electrocuted, Jason was having a shitty day. One minute he was freezing and stiff and the next he was surrounded by a bunch of kids around his age on a bus. Wait, how old was he again? Jason was so freaked out by the fact the he didn't even know how old he was that he didn't notice the rest of the group stopping, causing him to bump into some chick with a great ass. Like seriously, it was rap video material. He grabbed her hand to stop her from falling flat on her face and grimaced. Why was it so sweaty? She turned around, probably to yell at him for not only knocking her down, but for grabbing her hand as well. Jason's heart stopped, partially because he hated being in trouble but also because the girl had a face to match the booty. She was seriously hot.

"What the fuck Jason?" She hissed, stomping a hiking boot covered foot. Apparently her fashion sense wasn't as on point as her beauty, because she was wearing men's hiking boots, destroyed jeans that definitely weren't destroyed by some child in a factory in Thailand and a fleece ski jacket that looked like it had seen better days. Her black hair looked like it had been cut with safety scissors by Helen Keller with a bunch of random little braids that looked more like dreadlocks. She wore no make up, like she had woken up late with only ten minutes to spare and didn't have time to cover up that huge zit under her nose or try and do something about bags under her eyes that had passed Prada and moved onto generic brand, unscented trash bag. The weirdest thing about her though, was that she had two different colored eyes, one grey and one green. He overlooked all of these flaws because somebody knew him! Which was great because he wasn't really sure who he was.

"We know each other?" He chirped happily, bouncing up and down a little bit. She gave him a weird look and untangled her hand from his.

"Um, no. I just read your name tag," she explained, pointing out the name tag that hung from him neck. He looked down to read it but there was a small problem. Not only did Jason not know who he was or what was going on, he also didn't know how to read. Before he could ask rap video extra if she would mind reading it for him, a voice boomed out from the front of the group.

"Alright cupcakes, listen up!" Jason looked around, confused. He couldn't see anyone. "I'm down here, you little assholes!" The voice boomed again, and sure enough standing in front of them was a very angry little man.

He was dressed up like a coach, trying (and failing) to make himself look taller. He had a baseball cap that had the letters CHB on it pulled down low so that you could only see his eyes, which, despite his mean appearance, were really quite a beautiful shade of blue. He had a wispy goatee that Jason wanted to judge but couldn't, as he was pretty sure he didn't even have chest hair. He snuck a quick peek when no one was looking and swore quietly under his breath. Still no chest hair. The coach's beautiful eyes were paired with a sour face that looked like the man had just walked in on his parents "doing it", whatever that meant. His coach look was completed by an orange polo shirt, glowing white nylon sweatpants and pristine sneakers that Jason somehow knew were Nikes. He wanted a pair instantly, cool was practically oozing off of them. But something held him back and it was the fact that he had no money or any idea where to buy them. No, it felt like more of a... something. He didn't really have the best vocabulary. He was trying to figure out the word or phrase when he was rudely interrupted by someone yelling, "Stand up Coach!" Which was confusing because Jason thought he already was standing.

"Fuck you!" The Coach yelled through his megaphone, and Jason felt blood dribbled out of his ears. Who yells through a megaphone? As if the Coach knew what he was thinking, he stared straight at him, scowling even more. A jolt ran down Jason's spine, and it most definitely wasn't a sexual one. He had a feeling that the Coach knew that he was way too dumb to be in school and that he was going to call him out on it, causing all the kids to laugh at him and oh gods is this what a panic attack feel like?

Thankfully he looked away before Jason could pee himself. "We start our tour in five minutes! Stay with your partner. Don't lose your five hundred page packet, we don't have the funds necessary to print more. And if any of you little shits fuck up this trip, I'll send you back to campus the hard way." He emphasized his point by picking up a baseball bat and swinging it, accidentally taking some kid out in the process. Jason looked at booty bitch.

"Is he allowed to talk to us that way?" She shrugged.

"No, but no one calls him out on it. I mean have you seen him? For someone so short, he's ripped. I wouldn't want to be caught snitching on him and all of the administrators are too scared." She said it like it was common knowledge, but Jason didn't know much so he wouldn't know.

"There has to be some kind of mistake," he said. "I'm not suppose to be here!" One of the boys in front of him turned around and began laughing like Jason was every SNL cast put together in one super comedian. "Yeah right Blondie! I didn't run away from every foster home I've ever been placed in and I'm not a member of the Latin Kings," he winked slowly, the light reflecting off of his all gold clothing,"and Piper didn't piss off her mom so much that she got dumped here." The girl turned a shade of red that he didn't think was possible for someone with such tan skin.

"Screw you Leo! My mom loves having me around!" This caused Leo to laugh like he had at Jason earlier.

"Yeah right what was the story again? Oh right, you stole a BMW so your mom sent you here as a punishment." He gave Jason a look like Can you believe this bitch? Thinking she's cool enough to steal a BMW like please, she couldn't even steal air.

Leo looked like... some kind of race of people, but Latino. Jason was getting annoyed by his lack of knowing stuff. It made describing people and things really hard. Anyway, Leo has curly brown hair, pointy ears, and a cheerful baby face. His smile was anything but babyish, as it suggested that he shouldn't be trusted with anything the could go boom or make a fire. He also wouldn't stop twitching, which was really pissing Jason off.

"Anyway," Leo said, drawing Jason away from his internal describing. "I hope you have your packet, because I used mine to make a mini air force that could carry drugs here from Mexico days ago. Wait, why are you looking at me like that? Did somebody draw on my face again? If they did, please tell me it's anything but a dick." Leo did actually have a dick drawn on his face, but Jason just ignored it. He had more important things to discuss.

"Why on earth did you make mini drug cartel airplanes out of paper? Also, I don't belong here and I'm not sure why you guys aren't more concerned about that." Leo just smiled at him.

"No one here likes us because Piper drives everyone away. You seem too dumb to care though, so now you're my best friend!" He explained, ignoring Jason's first question.

"Leo Valdez, what the hell are you doing back there? Playing with yourself?" Coach Something yelled, and Leo turned and winked at Jason. Jason shuddered. He hoped Leo's proposed friendship wasn't what he thought it was.

"Sorry Coach Hedge, what was that? You should probably use your megaphone!" He grumbled, but was smiling so it was obvious that he was happy to burst some more eardrums. He began screaming through the megaphone, but instead of his voice coming out it was Eminem's character voice. Jason loved Eminem, though he had a feeling his love was a secret, as though music wasn't allowed where he was from. Everyone laughed except for Coach Hedge. He went to yell at them again but this time the megaphone blared "Ronnie stahp it you're traumatizing me!" instead. Everyone laughed harder and Coach Hedge got madder.

"Valdez!" He yelled, throwing his megaphone at the kid he had knocked out like 10 minutes earlier. At this rate, they would never get to go on the tour. Piper snorted.

"How did you manage that one, Leo?" Leo slipped a mini screwdriver up his sleeve.

"I'm a special little boy!" He sang cheerfully, doing a jig around Piper and Jason.

"Guys, seriously, I have no idea what's going on, where I am, or even who I am!" Jason cried, throwing his hands up in the air. Piper gave him a dirty look.

"Dude, like I said earlier, you have a name tag around your neck with all of your information and even a backstory. Just read it." Jason blushed.

"I don't know how to read," he mumbled, looking down at his feet. He was wearing Italian loafers, cool for rich business men, but not cool for teenagers.

"He has to be joking. He must be trying to get back at me for being sarcastic earlier." Leo said. "It's not going to work though, everyone knows I'm the comic relief in this book, you two suck." Piper shoved him.

"Don't hog the spotlight. We're in a somewhat parody, we're all funny." They started arguing, confusing Jason even more. Broken fourth walls make things so much worse. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm going to find out who I am, with or without you guys!" And made his way dramatically to the bus door, and walked through. Unfortunately, the door was closed so it didn't really have the desired effect. Piper picked him off the ground. and gave him a look that either meant she found this situation amusing or she was a serial killer.

"I think you're going to need us," she said, kicking the school bus doors open and dragging him out. Jason just sighed, she was right, afterall.

The bus dropped them off in front of a modern looking glass skyscraper. Now that he was outside, Jason realized that it was cold and raining, something he really wasn't dressed for, considering he was wearing loafers, dress pants and a button down shirt. Before he could even complain about how dorky he looked, Leo was chattering away.

"Crash course in your new life. We go to the ironically named Wilderness School for Bad Children, ironic because none of these yuppies have ever been in the wilderness unless you count their ski lodges in Aspen. Your mommy and daddy put you here because your cries for attention were seriously cramping their lifestyle dedicated to working, showing off and ignoring you. We're in Seattle, Washington because it's far enough away from the parents that you're out of their minds, but close enough and in a nice enough location that they don't look bad sending you here. Coach Hedge is supposed to be our therapist/teacher/ruler of our lives, but he's really just some crazy guy with a bat and no qualifications for his job." Jason frowned.

"That doesn't sound very nice. I'm sure everyone here has parents who love them and want them around! Everyone here is a great person!" He said cheerfully, before getting pushed on the ground by a guy with teeth so white they were practically electric.

"Hey Babes, just wanted to let you know that I decided to bless you with my presence and be your partner. I hope you have your packet because i used mine to write love letters to myself."

"I'm sorry my good sir, for even though your superman reminiscent face and body are most attractive, I don't roll that way. I also don't have a packet." Jason said regrettably.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Piper," the guy snapped, but the tips of his ears were red.

"Are you sure you weren't talking to him, Dylan? Because I really hate you and if we work together will push you off the roof." Dylan just laughed and picked Piper up bridal style.

"Silly girls, you just never know what you actually want." He continued to walk towards the entrance of the building as Piper squirmed and looked back at Jason in a way that suggested she was going to take her anger out on him.

Leo picked Jason up off the ground, shoved him into a puddle and picked him up again. "Man, I can't believe you don't have your packet, now we're both screwed." Jason gave him a weird look.

"Dylan just pushed me to the ground, insulted me by picking Piper, carried her away and you're concerned about a packet?"

"That packet is worth 99% of our grade." Jason's eyes bugged out of his head.

"Why didn't you say that before! Come, we must obtain a packet!" He grabbed Leo's hand and pulled him into the building, but not before once again walking right into the closed doors.

They walked around the building listening to Coach Hedge lecture them with his megaphone, even though he was right next to them. Leo kept on pulling everything from arts and crafts supplies, to mechanical supplies to drugs out of his pockets, which was really annoying Jason, as he had to hold it all because Leo kept shoving everything into his hands. Plus they had yet to find a packet, which was really freaking Jason out because it was worth 99% of his grade! he wasn't really sure what that meant, but it sounded important. Because his mind was otherwise occupied, Jason wasn't really paying attention to the tour, which he felt was really out of character for him, as though he was used to always paying attention. All he knew was that they were touring the tallest building in the world, which didn't seem too exciting, especially since Coach was making them take the stairs all the way to the top.

A group of girls kept on looking at Dylan, who was still holding a grumpy looking Piper, and laughing. Jason figured they must have been really nice, because they were all wearing pink, which is a fun happy color! Of course he was wrong, as usual.

"Hey Piper, didn't your Mom design this place? Do you get in for free because you're her daughter or can no one recognize you underneath those hideous clothes?" Everyone laughed, even Dylan stifled a laugh, which Jason thought was kind of rude since he got some spit on Piper in the process.

"I wouldn't know, seeing as I don't need to get in for free, I can pay unlike you. Is Daddy still bankrupt, Isabel?" Isabel turned bright red, but didn't give up.

"That's right, I forgot that you inherited your mother's gold digging talents." Isabel said before prancing away. Piper went to tackle her, but Dylan dropped her on the ground, causing the other girls to laugh and call out mean comments as they followed Isabel, ignoring the Coach's threats to hit everyone with his bat if they didn't shut up. Jason went to go help Piper up, but Leo grabbed his arm.

"Don't approach her yet! She bites when she's angry," he warned. Jason backed up. He was not in the mood to get bitten. Luckily, Piper quickly got over her bad mood and joined their group. Most importantly, she had her packet. Jason let out a sigh of relief. Now that he wasn't worrying about failing, he could focus on other things. Like climbing up every staircase until they reached the top.

"Leo, you wouldn't happen to have any water in those magic pockets of yours, would you?" Piper panted, using the handrail to support her weight as she pulled herself up the 108th flight of stairs. Leo shook his head. He was too tired to even respond. Someone fainted and fell down a few flights of stairs.

"Hey, can you cupcakes be consider and not die? I don't want to have to fill out any paperwork later!" Coach Hedge yelled, unaffected by the extreme stair climbing they were enduring. Finally they made it to the very top of the building. Leo and Jason collapsed on the ground, happy to finally stop moving. Piper kicked them.

"You aren't done walking just yet. We're going up to the roof," she said, dragging them towards a door that said emergency exit only.

"I think that's against the rules," Jason protested weakly, but she just glared at him. "Alright, cool to the roof we go!" He chuckled nervously, not wanting to get bitten. When they finally got to the roof, Leo let out a low whistled and Jason had to agree with him, the view was great. They were so high up that everything looked so little, it was like he was a god in his real form or something. That thought caused a sharp pain behind his eyes, as though he had almost had a smart thought that was really important to the plot. Jason resolved to never do that again.

"You alright? If you're going to throw up, don't do it on my shoes, they're new. Also, warn me so that I can film it," he said, and began rummaging through his pockets for his camera, which Jason had ditched on the 50th floor with the rest of Leo's things he had been forced to carry.

"Guys, maybe we should go back now, this storm is really starting to pick up," Piper said nervously, backing up towards the door. Jason didn't think it looked that bad. Sure, the sky was completely black but to Jason, it felt like it was meant to be that way. He could have stayed up there forever. Leo took Piper's side though, and soon they were on their way back down into the building.

"I need a snack, anyone have change for the vending machines?" Leo moaned, clutching his stomach dramatically. Piper ignored him, but Jason searched his pockets because he was getting hungry too. Instead of money, he pulled out a golden coin about the size of a half dollar, but thicker and more uneven, with a picture of a battle ax on one side and a man wearing leaves on his head on the other. He was pretty sure the vending machine wasn't going to take it. He offered it to Leo for inspection. "Damn, rich boy, why are you walking around with gold in your pocket? To bad this isn't Rome. otherwise it'd actually be worth something," he said laughing and giving it back to Jason. Jason was going to throw it, but the voice of an annoyed woman in his head told him that he was an imbecile, and that he would need it later. So he kept the worthless coin. When they finally got back into the building, Coach was not happy. Not only had they snuck off, but they also hadn't finished their worksheet. He sent Leo and Piper to one corner to finish it, and pulled Jason aside.

"Stop causing storms you twit," he grumbled, glaring at Jason from underneath his hat.

"Sir, I couldn't even fill out the worksheet, let alone figure out how to cause a storm. Why, is that part of the grade? I don't want to fail!" Jason started to get hysterical. Coach hit him in the stomach with his baseball bat.

"Shut up! As though it wasn't bad enough that I had to watch two half bloods, now I'm stuck watching after you too! Special package my furry ass," he complained, whacking his bat into the wall. Jason stared at him with wide eyes.

"Sir, that was really racist." Coach Hedge groaned and looked like he was about to hit himself with his bat but stopped himself.

"For that, I'm letting you take care of the monster yourself. I can't wait until they come and extract you." Jason got another sharp pain behind his eyes. Coach Hedge was sparking those thoughts again. Before he could try and piece those thoughts together, a loud crack of thunder sounded and lightning hit right by the tower. The winds were so strong that the whole building seemed to shake. Coach pulled out his megaphone and in between verses of "I Can't Be Tamed" yelled for everyone to begin to exit the building. Hedge looked Jason right in the eye before solemnly saying, "kid, I know you're an idiot but I am begging you to just this once try and have some form of IQ. I need you to go inside and stick with Piper and Leo. Don't wander, I repeat, do not wander! Do we understand each other?" Jason nodded and saluted.

"Sir yes sir!" Coach sighed.

"I really hate my job."

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